


No Snoggin'

by infinite_regress



Series: Colours, Lights and Gardens [3]
Category: Doctor Who 2005
Genre: Episode Tag: s09e10 Face the Raven, F/M, Humour, Kissing, Missing Scene, Pollen, Snogging, Whouffaldi First Kiss Challenge, interruptions, second most beautiful garden in the universe, whouffaldi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 12:43:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6116850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinite_regress/pseuds/infinite_regress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What’s the one thing a sign telling you  “No Snoggin’” will make you really want to do? The Doctor and Clara take a stroll around the second most beautiful garden in the universe.  There’s something in the air that makes Clara feel like breaking the rules.</p><p>Missing scene between 'Sleep No More' and 'Face the Raven.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Snoggin'

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who wonders what Clara did in the second most beautiful garden in the universe that means they can never go back...
> 
> And for those of you who have read '9 Months on the Run' you will perhaps spot the timey-whimey loop regarding the cherry tree. Bonus points if you send me a comment about what happens in the future under that tree!

Clara checked her watch again and tapped her foot. So, what she’d hoped would be a nice Japanese space restaurant - with actual food, maybe wine - turned out to be a date with a sandman. But he promised a garden. Where is he? On cue, the TARDIS wheezed into her sitting room and the Doctor, dashing in purple velvet, beckoned her through the open door. Clara looked around the TARDIS console room. It’s odd, she thought, how something alien felt more like home than her flat. She stayed often enough, had a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Even had a key. She could move in and it wouldn’t make a dent in her life.

‘Belshazzar’s Garden,’ The Doctor announced as they strolled from the TARDIS, a strange new blue boxy plant sprung up among the Passiflora and Giant Liliturf. They stopped in front of a neatly presented sign:

 

“Belshazzar’s Garden* warmly welcomes visitors of all sentient species.

• Non-sentient species must be kept on a leash.  
• Please do not drop litter.  
• Please observe zone rules at all times.

Failure to adhere to zone rules may result in permanent exclusion from the gardens.  
Enjoy your visit.”

*Runner up in ‘Universal Horticulture Magazine’s’ reader’s poll of the most beautiful gardens in the universe.

 

Jungle Zone

They stepped into a steamy world of green. Vines climbed trees so high they vanished into the clouds. Leathery leaves cradle miniature ponds and the leafy ground made them bounce more than walk. 

‘It’s really hot!’ Clara stripped to her vest and tied her shirt around her waist wishing she’d put on shorts instead of black trousers. The Doctor was still resolutely in his layers. 

‘Do you ever wear less layers?’

‘Rarely. But it is warm here so I’ll probably take my jacket off in a minute,’ he said. Clara laughed. 

‘Yeah, taking your coat off takes working up to.’ Lots of things take working up to she thought. The jungle air was alive with hoots and cackles, and although Clara couldn’t see anything in particular, she had the feeling they were being watched. They approached a bridge spanning a ravine. The water raced furiously, a broiling white and orange mass teaming with fish jumping against the current. They stepped onto the bridge at the same time as a short neat figure stepped on the other side.

Parkes was a man built from the bottom up, from a whipper-snapper shovelling the brown stuff, through every menial job in the garden, to Chief Recreational Attendant. These days Parkes had one goal in life: to see that Belshazzar’s Garden, the second most beautiful garden in the universe, ran smoothly; no mess, no disturbance, and no breaking the rules. Everything in the garden would be perfect, he often said, if wasn’t for the visitors. Clara, the Doctor and Parkes approached the centre of the bridge. He squinted from under his peaked cap.

‘’ello miss. Sir,’ he said, straightening his identification badge. 

‘Hello, err, Chief Recreation Attendant Parkes,’ said Clara reading the badge pinned to the front of his crisp green uniform. Parkes nodded. His eyes zeroed in on an empty packet of stella snax on the bridge.

‘I don’t believe it!’ he said indignantly. ‘I won’t ‘ave it! People can’t come ‘ere droppin’ rubbish!’ he snatched up the offending packet and waved it in the air. ‘Don’t people read the signs? He pointed at a notice nailed neatly to the bridge.

“Belshazzar’s Garden thanks you for taking your litter home.”

‘That means no droppin’ rubbish!’ he said as he eyed the Doctor and Clara. ‘There’s rules. ‘ere in the gardens we ‘ave rules!’ He stalked off muttering to himself. Clara and the Doctor stared at his back in bemused silence.

Alien Worlds Zone.

They wander around a dome with a top-lit crystal monolith and a lively rainbow above. Water cascades down the outside of the monolith, collects at the bottom, to be rooted upwards through glass pipes deep within the crystal. When it reaches the top, water, crystal and lights combine and erupt into a swirl of dancing colours. 

‘Is it like Thingy’s Eternal Rainbow?’ 

‘Belshazzar’s. Yes, this was next big project after the Eternal Rainbow. He used an azbantium block this time instead of grinding a lens because he could utilise high energy photons here instead of relying on sunlight.’ Belshazzar spent four and a half years figuring out how to make a rainbow that never faded. Cara smiled and remembered the peaceful afternoon they spent under that rainbow together. ‘He’s still using chromatically fractured water.’ The Doctor pointed to the pipes, ‘Look through the sonic glasses. You can see the colours split before they get to the monolith.’ He handed the glasses to Clara, ‘Point and think.’ Clara laughed at the winding threads of colour rushing through the pipes.

‘That’s amazing!’ She looked over the top of the glasses and the water looked clear again. Then she noticed a reflection hovering behind them. Neat, green and squinting suspiciously: Chief Recreation Attendant Parkes.

‘What you doin'?' he glared at the sonic glasses, then pointed to a sign:

“In the Alien Worlds Zone Scanning devices are strictly forbidden.”

‘That means no scannin’,’’ he said. ‘Interferes with the equipment.’

‘Oh. Sorry.’ Clara quickly handed the glasses back to the Doctor. 

‘We’ll move on then,’ the Doctor groused, sliding the sonic glasses into his pocket as they walked away from the monolith. Clara was soon entranced by a blue stemmed plant standing twelve inches high dripping multi-coloured crystals. The tag said “Kastellian Chromatos: in full bud three times a year.”

‘Wow. These are gorgeous!’ I’d love one of these.’

‘We can pick one up. There’s a market on Hydraxi Prime where you get all sorts. We can go later,’ his eyes flicked shyly away for a moment. ‘Or next Wednesday. If you’d prefer.’ 

‘Or tomorrow. We could just go tomorrow,’ she said with a friendly bump to his arm. ‘I mean you’ve got a time machine. I can bunk off as much as I like and still get to school in time for the bell.’ He smiled widely. 

 

Zone of Contemplation and Solitude 

They passed a sign with a thin black boarder. It announced in clipped tones: 

“Zone of Contemplation and Solitude: Physical contact between visitors strictly forbidden.”

Someone had cheekily scrawled with a black marker pen, “No Snoggin’” and signed it “C. R. A. Parkes,” in a loopy hand beneath the formal lettering.

‘Oh my god!’ Clara exclaimed. ‘That’s done it. Now all I can think about is snogging,’ she said trying to smother a snigger. The Doctor seemed less amused, although she suspected a smirk was trying to work its way to the surface. ‘Oh come on! You wanted to snog a dinosaur to death once.’

‘That was a figure of speech. I was about twenty minutes old and wearing an ankle-length nightgown at the time. I hardly think that counts as an amorous advance,’ he snorted.

‘What would count as an amorous advance then?’ she asked. He flushed and sucked his cheeks in. 

‘Can we not talk about this?’ He strode on purposefully while she shook her head. They passed an expanse of white sand painstakingly raked into perfect concentric circles. Piled at the centre - in defiance of gravity - was a stack of shiny pebbles, smallest at the bottom and the biggest, like an inverted turtle shell, balanced serenely at the top. 

‘Maybe there are some things we should talk about,’ she grumbled as she caught him up. They strolled deeper into the zone. The calm sands turned into an explosion of colour and a Japanese pagoda, cherry trees and deep beds of bushy red and orange flowers. The air in this part of the zone was heady, and made Clara feel strangely devilish. What’s the point of being grown up, she asked herself, if you can’t be childish sometimes? She took a deep breath, ‘Snogging’s not just for dinosaurs you know,’ she sassed disappearing into the in the foliage. 

‘Clara. I don’t think you’re supposed to go in there,’ he called, as if that ever stopped him. No reply. ‘Clara?’ he called louder. Still silence. He stepped into the foliage and grumbled his way through mischievous flowers, brushing powdery orange pollen from his jacket as he went, until he found her propped against a cherry tree, one leg bent back, with cherry blossom in her hair and a smirk on her lips. He stopped in front of her, arms folded: she stared him down. ‘Clara?’ She grabbed his lapels, pulled him down, and hijacked him into a cheeky kiss. He didn’t even argue. That cheeky kiss lingered, and was pressed into a deep embrace, and that turned into tangling tongues and searching hands and bodies pressed together in a hard breathless crush.  
‘Clara,’ growled. If the way he rolled her name always gave her shivers, then it was seriously eroding her discretion right now. Her heart raced; she tingled in unexpected places, this was much more than she bargained for! Despite the rising heat she tore her mouth away to scold him. 

‘I don’t believe it! All this time I thought you were on some sort of… monk’s tour of the universe! And it’s this easy to get your…attention? Even on the Orient Express I thought you didn’t have the faintest interest in what was going on…’ she paused and searched for the right words, ‘…under my dress!’ The Doctor raised his eyebrows, looked straight into her eyes, and sent her pulse soaring:

‘I’m many things, Clara, but I’m neither blind nor a monk.’ For a moment her fingers just itched to slap him, but the fingers decided to wind their way back under his layers instead. ‘But I do have a du…’ 

‘Don’t you bloody dare! If you say “duty of care” I swear I’ll slap you!’ He snapped his mouth shut and arched his eyebrows. His hands snaked to her hips and pulled her closer. 

‘Yes boss,’ he said pinning her to the tree with another kiss. But, the bushes rustle, the undergrowth ripples, and a green uniform pounces through the foliage. 

‘Oi! Can’t you people read? No ‘uggin’! No shenanigans in the shezzelias! And definitely no snoggin’!’ he yells indignantly. 

‘He has a serious grudge against “h’s” and “g’s” ’ said Clara incredulously. 

‘He has serious grudge against us too,’ said the Doctor getting ready to run.

‘I think we should take this back to the TARDIS’ she whispered. He stole one more kiss from the nape of her neck:

‘I couldn’t agree more!’ They pushed though the bushes and flowers and like a couple of guilty teenagers laughed all way back to the TARDIS. They tumbled through the doors to Parkes yelling:

‘…and don’t come back! You’re banned. That means forever! 

‘…and now, we can never go back to the second most beautiful garden in the universe, because you, Clara Oswald…’ Doctor was interrupted. It was a day for unexpected things and the TARDIS phone was ringing. ‘Better answer it then.’ She sighed and picked up the phone, thought, bad timing! But a quick phone call can’t hurt when we’ve waited this long… 

‘Hello?’ she said. ‘Rigsy?’...

**Author's Note:**

> End Notes:  
> ...unfortunately “Face the Raven” starts here…someone please disconnect that bloody phone!!


End file.
